Best quotes by Tim Allen

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.

I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I'd done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

Men aren't allowed to have self-esteem, because we're already supposed to have all the power.... But most men earn less than they want, barely the minimum wage. They're drones. They do stuff they don't want to do to support their families, and they're not sure why they do it. They don't know what they're doing half the time, and any time we stick up for ourselves, we're pigs because we don't know how to articulate our frustrations and joys.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

I have a thing for tools.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.