Best quotes by David Henry

I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cell phone might be passing through my body right now.

It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request.

If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today.

At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women - they can't take a compliment!

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?'

Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying: 'Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties'.

Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback.

You can't throw him back because he doesn't meet the legal size limit.

My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage.