Best quotes by David Cross

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who's onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I'm not yelling at the audience, I'm yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I'm not talking to individuals.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that's the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren't interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I'll never understand the anger people have toward me.

Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how women do a lot of shoe shopping or how being married sucks, go see the guy who does jokes about that. But if you come to see my live show, there's going to be 20 minutes on religion for the rest of my life, probably. If that makes me a caricature, so be it.

There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who fantasize about being in a band. And a lot of comics play instruments.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.